Please Get Off That Wagon, Mr. President

Back in the heady days of the 2016 campaign, when it still seemed possible -- no, likely -- that Donald Trump would not get elected Leader of the Free World, his more serious-minded supporters argued in his favor by noting that he is a teetotaler, a man who abstained from even a drop of alcohol. This spoke to his work ethic. Or something. Well, Trump's been president for a long time now and what do we know about this sober, industrious chap? We know that he is impulsive, intemperate, rash, ignorant, deceitful, and given to crackpot conspiracy theories -- just like that guy propping up the end of the bar every day. Given all of this, my advice would be for Trump to start drinking immediately. Like tonight. Things couldn't be any worse, and he might even learn to enjoy life and not look for pleasure by always seeking to dominate people.